Yes, this actually happened. A man in North Dakota hopped on a Zamboni extremely intoxicated and smashed it into the boards. He was charged with a DUI, but has yet to be found guilty. One ought to sympathize with the Zamboni man’s situation given that he harmed no one while driving his Zamboni drunk – because let’s face it – what Zamboni man is not a heavy drinker?

Regardless, here are the facts of the case. During a high-school hockey game after the second period a Zamboni man mounted his iron carriage intoxicated thrice the legal limit. He began swerving rapidly, driving erratically, and sporadically bumping into side boards (this must have been a sight to see). After smashing a glass wall he was asked to relinquish the reigns of the Zamboni and the police were called. He was charged with a DUI and urged never to drive the Zamboni again.

Perhaps his debarment from Zamboni operation is the most troubling phenomena of this case. Never again will this guy be called the Zamboni man by the young hockey players he lives for, and for that, I pity him.

But Lo and Behold! There is hope of regaining honor for this debarred Zamboni man. His DUI charge comes accompanied with some wiggle room to escape from a guilty DUI verdict. North Dakota state law reads as follows: “he or she may not drive or be in actual physical control of any vehicle upon a highway or upon public or private areas to which the public has a right of access for vehicular use.”

Seems to me that this man may be off the hook. As far as I know, the public does not have access to Zamboni vehicle use. Based on this stipulation alone, it appears that this drunken Zamboni man should receive an NG verdict and a good scolding to lay off the sauce while driving his Zamboni.